Homeland Orgasm Research Near You

SENSUAL Alert System

Low

Low risk of groping. High risk of depression.

Guarded

Keep your flies zipped ... they're out and about.

Elevated

Watch the hands of others. They might be heading for your buttocks.

High

Apply plastic sheeting and duct tape to your waistband.

Severe

Consider lacing your underpants with explosives to take out any wandering hands.