Mom and Dad

I'm as tired as you are of brushing this -- my change in presentation --
under the rug.

It comes down to the fact I'm happier now than I ever have been. The past
nine months have been an amazing transformation in how I feel. For the first
time, I can look in the mirror. I look at myself and I can _smile_. The
sadness I used to wear like a cloak around me is evaporating.

I'm not afraid of dancing anymore. I stop hating how I look, how I feel, and
how I interact with people, and rich new worlds of people and possibilities
have opened up before me. I'm involved in wonderful relationships with two
of the most wonderful and different people I've ever met, and on top of
that, a host of wonderful friends.

You worry that transitioning will leave me alone, in a world with little
diversity. I can only relate that so far, my experience is vastly the
opposite.

I've slept in Golden Gate Park, hung out on the street in San Francisco with 
street kids and homeless folks. I've been addressed as a boy, as a girl, as
a person, as a homeless street kid. I've confused people in both bathrooms in
a single day, and been able to laugh it off, and make them comfortable. I'm 
laughing and shrugging off the strange interactions without pain, and 
learning to interact in awkward situations with grace. You see only that I
have a social life online because the face-to-face social life I live makes
you uncomfortable. The people I choose to associate with are from more walks 
of life than live here. I can't get that other than by travel and online,
both of which I love.

I'm not sure how one measures social success. Three romantic relationships
ending with being fantastic friends, two more relationships that are vastly
rewarding happening now. Friends I adore, a business that's doing alright.
I'm comfortable in more situations than I ever have been before. And I'm
happy.

In the past year and a half, my mental stability has gone from being
somewhat questionable to being something I can rely on without worrying. The
stresses that were driving me crazy are evaporating. Money is more than
adequate, I have a place to live that I love. I want to be closer to you two
again, and I think it will happen as we talk and as time passes.

Regarding hormones. I choose the unsupervised route because of the distance
to resources to do it "the right way", and it would mean giving up large
parts of my life that, too, make me who I am. I am not willing to let my
identity become this transition and this transition only. I'd like to do
things better, but the medical system is bureaucratic at best, and
experienced resources are few and expensive.

I was raised to be self-directed, self-responsible, and ultimately, I've
come with a distrust of doctors as well. I choose this not out of abandon of
respect for my body, but out of respect for the health of my mind. I can
only say that it's working, and both physically and mentally, I feel better
than ever.

I know you don't understand. I'd love to share, and all I need is a space to
tell my stories in, without an argument. I wish I had your trust that I am 
choosing what's right for me, because that opens up whole new doors to 
communicate. If you'd like, I picked up a book while I was in Davis
that I'd love for you to read. If you're not ready to give me the space I
need to talk and share my life, maybe some of the stories in there will fill
the void until then.

I love you both. This isn't easy, and I know this. But I want to talk and
share this part of my life and all the parts connected to it with you too.